getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
