Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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