somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
