My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
