my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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