so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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