yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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