So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
