I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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