The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
