Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
