Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
