sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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