Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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