The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
