so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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