the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
