my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
