i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
