I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
