I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
