since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize