my phone needs a breathalizer
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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