I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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