don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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