I wish my penis had an off switch
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
