1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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