I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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