I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
