I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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