It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize