I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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