I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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