TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize