Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
