my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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