Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize