I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
