My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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