Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
