I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
