my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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