You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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