I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
