Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This baby is an asshole
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
