I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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