just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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