I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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