it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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