I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
