i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
