somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
