ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize