i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
