i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
