I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
