You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
