I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
