Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This house was built for laser tag.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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