I wish I could teleport
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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