he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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