I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
