I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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