The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
