Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
