She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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