I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
