Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
